3 simple dos and don’ts for staying close to your grandkids—and their parents
Becoming a grandparent is often described as one of life’s greatest joys. But it can also bring up misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and even reopen old wounds between you and your adult child.
So how can you succeed as a grandparent—enjoying time with your grandkids while maintaining peace and respect with their parents? Here are three essential dos and don’ts to help you get there:
1. Respect Their Role as Parents
Don’t give advice (unless asked).
You have decades of experience raising children—but these aren’t your kids. It’s someone else’s turn to make decisions and learn what works for them. Even well-meaning advice can feel like criticism and may undermine a new parent’s confidence.
Do be supportive and ask permission to weigh in.
Try:
“Is it okay if I offer a suggestion?”
“I know you’ve got this handled, but if you ever want to ask me anything, I’m here.”
Note: If you see an immediate safety concern, speak up without hesitation.
2. Clarify Expectations Early
Don’t make assumptions about your role.
Whether it’s being in the delivery room, helping with childcare, or hosting the holidays—it’s easy for people to have very different expectations.
Do clearly communicate your boundaries and needs.
It’s wonderful to offer help, but it’s also okay to say no.
Try:
“We’d love to have you and the kids over for Christmas. Do you think you’ll be able to join us?”
“I love spending time with the baby, but I can’t commit to full-time care. I can help once a week.”
3. Follow the Parents’ Rules
Don’t bend or break the rules they’ve set.
This one can be tough—especially when it seems harmless to offer a cookie or skip a nap. But even small rule-breaking can erode the trust the parents place in you.
Most importantly, never ask your grandchild to keep a secret from their parents (e.g., “Don’t tell your mom we had ice cream!”). It’s confusing for kids and will likely backfire, damaging your relationship further.
Do make a sincere effort to follow the parents’ requests, even if you don’t fully agree.
It shows you’re a partner in their parenting—and that you trust and respect their decisions.
Try:
“I know you don’t want Junior watching TV at my house. I’ll follow that, but can you share more about the reason behind the rule?”
In Summary
By following these simple tips, you’ll build a multi-generational relationship grounded in honesty, trust, and mutual respect. And that means more connection, more joy—and lots of grandparent-powered fun!