Parents want their kids to grow up happy, and seeing an adult child fall in love and get married is a special milestone.

But sometimes, an adult child’s “happily ever after” can feel complicated for you. If you find that your new son- or daughter-in-law is someone you struggle to get along with, here are five ways to avoid a power struggle and keep things as harmonious as possible.

1. Get to know them.
Go beyond inviting them to family gatherings. Spend some one-on-one time with your in-law and show genuine interest in their values, thoughts, and hobbies. Ask what it’s been like to join your family and how you might make that transition easier. Even if tensions already exist, try to stay open, curious, and willing to listen.

2. Establish clear communication.
Every family has its own way of staying in touch. Some prefer a group text chain where everyone shares updates. Others rely on direct conversations, or the adult child may act as the go-between. Talk with the couple about what works best for them so you can avoid misunderstandings.

In some situations, communication can also become a source of tension. For example, if messages aren’t being passed along or important information is “forgotten,” this can create hurt feelings and conflict. When that happens, suggest group communication whenever possible. Having everyone in the loop reduces the chance of miscommunication — whether it’s intentional or not.

3. Do your own work.
It can be hard to stay calm when someone pushes your buttons. Even if it feels like your in law is being difficult on purpose, keeping your cool is essential. Raising your voice or using hurtful language can create lasting wounds or even distance your child further. Practice calming strategies like deep breathing, taking a pause, or avoiding topics that spark unproductive arguments. If you do lose your temper, a sincere apology goes a long way.

4. Don’t cast blame.
When a once-close relationship with your adult child feels distant, it’s natural to want to blame their spouse. But relationships change as children grow and create their own families. Even if your in-law seems controlling, your adult child still has agency in the relationship. Remember: accountability is shared. It’s usually more nuanced that villain and victim.
Important note: If you ever suspect your child is being isolated as part of abuse or manipulation, seek professional guidance right away.

5. Stay available.
What to do if your in-law resists connection?  Fortunately, you can remain a steady presence for your adult child. Let them know you’re always open to a relationship, without forcing them to choose sides. If your child vents about their spouse, offer empathy without criticism. For example: “That sounds hard. I’m here to listen and support you, and I hope things improve.”  This keeps you supportive without putting your child on the defensive.

Even if your son- or daughter-in-law isn’t who you imagined, you can still choose kindness, patience, and respect. This gives your adult child the best chance of maintaining a close and positive relationship with you.